Proposed Flash Mob!

I”m all lost in the supermarket,

I can no longer shop happily.

I came in here for a special offer;

a guaranteed personality.

(with eternal gratitude to The Clash)

This isn’t perhaps the weirdest WTF of all time, but it literally made me say WTF, and so…

The other day I was walking through Boscov’s, a chain of department stores in five states along the US Eastern seaboard (of which Pennsylvania is an honorary member, so take that, doubters!).  It’s a decent store that offers low-to-midrange price points on just about everything from shoes to clothes to toys to housewares to La-Z-Boys.  They have a charmingly cheesetastic “As Seen On TV!” section.  Normally it’s not a…well, it’s not a great place to shop (though I know my mother would disagree with me on this) but it’s not weird, like, oh, clearly this store was laid out by Cthulhu to terrify humanity into obedience.  It’s not confusing.  It is what it is.

So imagine me, the other day, walking into Boscov’s to kill a little time before the movie I was seeing at the mall megamultibajillionplex started.  I am a woman and absolutely fall into the consumer trappings of womanhood and so I made haste to the shoe department.  Smack in the middle of the aisle, at the confluence of shoes and handbags and clothing and purses and swimsuits, I saw…this…

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

And you know…

First of all, I’m pretty sure that’s a fire hazard.

Second, they HAVE a food department, so why the potato chips have migrated to the exact opposite end of the store is a mystery.

Third, there’s something inherently weird about sticking a huge potato chip display near the swimsuits.  Want that beach body, boys and girls?  Well…have some chips instead!  Once you feel guilty and panicked that you won’t be able to fit into your bathing suit this year, we’ll be happy to direct you to our exercise equipment.  May we interest you in a Shake Weight?  It’s been seen on TV.

Fourth, this reinforces my belief that potato chips, as much as I love their salty greasy goodness, aren’t really food at all.

So I propose: FLASH MOB!  Susquehanna Valley Mall, some time soon.  And we all just descend en masse upon Boscov’s and buy all the chips and walk around the store eating them, touching things with our greasy, crumby fingers.  It would be madness.

A friend suggested that said flash mob “…should buy chips, high heels, and bathing suits. Then put on the heels and swimsuits, stuff the bag of chips in the suit, and have a very crunchy and weird mosh pit.”

We could do that too.  The possibilities are wide open.

So, seriously, Boscov’s, WTF?

Today’s non-sequitur suggested WordPress tag is: Bethesda Terrace.  Bethesda Terrace is a structure/walkway that overlooks the lake New York City’s Central Park, and has nothing to do with anything I’ve talked about today.  Thanks, WordPress!

Hey, big fella. Look for change in THESE cushions!

Occasionally at MoWTF, we run into Things that Look Like…a Particular Other Thing.  Now, we don’t advocate that EVERYTHING that is an elongated ovoid with tapered ends looks like…this thing.  Marquise-cut diamonds, for example, just look like a bauble I wouldn’t mind dangling from a chain on my neck.

Oooh, shiny.

Oooh, shiny.

Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar, this is true.

And sometimes, a couch looks like it’s been decorated by a row of vaginas.

If you want to remain a bachelor, pick this little beauty up.

Home decor for the committed bachelor.

’nuff said.

Our non-sequitur suggested tag today is “Volkswagen”, so here is a little history of Hitler’s pet project, the People’s Car.  Enjoy!

~XOT&D

Photo found at Q87.7’s Facebook page, sent to me courtesy of Friend of the MoWTF, Noelle W.

Fourth Floor: Ladies’ Unforgivables!

Who here has read the Harry Potter books?  I don’t mean one in particular, I mean any one of them.  Because it just takes one casual reading and/or viewing to know that “Avada Kedavra” is the killing curse.  Considered an Unforgivable, “Avada Kedavra” brings instant death to the person against whom it is uttered.  It’s what Voldemort used when he killed Harry’s parents, and it’s what Lucius Malfoy tried to use against Harry himself (though completion of the spell was prevented thanks to Dobby knocking Lucius into next week, but that’s another post for another day).

Go get ’em, Dobby!

Which brings us to our latest exhibit in Things That Ought Not to Go Together.  Fact: it is creepy to combine tween/young adult fiction with lingerie.  For example, I have never seen a Black Beauty codpiece (let that stew in your brain for a while) or an Anne of Green Gables merry widow.

Not that that wouldn’t be interesting.

Also fact: it is creepy to combine sex and death, which is part of my objection to the (hopefully fading) vampire trend.

So in a hellish confluence of bad and creepy ideas, we at the Museum of WTF proudly present:

The Avada Kedavra bra!

 

deathly pillows etsy

a/k/a The Deathly Pillows

This takes “knockin’ ’em dead in the sack” to a whole new level.

(Sadly, WordPress isn’t giving me completely unrelated suggested tags, so…maybe next time.)

Bra found on Etsy.

Military History Exhibit: Women in Combat

There’s a long-standing debate over whether or not women should be allowed in combat positions in the military.  Are they strong enough physically?  Are they strong enough mentally,  or will they weep girly tears when faced with big, scary guns?  Will they be too busy flirting with their fellow soldiers to pull their weight?  And holy pockets, but who in their right minds wants to be stuck in a foxhole with a woman on her period.  Right, people, amirite?  Amirite?

Well, worry no more!  As the first piece in our ever-growing exhibit on military history, MoWTF proudly presents the perfect solution for women in combat.  Drum roll, please, as we present…

It's the tampon blow gun.

It’s the tampon blow gun.

Ladies, you can now arm yourselves to the vagina in cardboard tampon tubes and PVC piping.  When your weaponry is completely assembled with the tampon-laden bandolero, you’re ready to take on whatever comes your way.  Please note: you ought not to fire tampons that have been worn, not only because of the self-explanatory “ick” factor but also because it will gunk up the works.

I want to know who sat at home designing this li’l beauty, because then I could walk up to that person and say, “Hey, I have to know…WTF?  This is how you spend your time?  Really?”

~XOT

Picture from tamponcrafts.com

Retro WTFery: What the Stork Brought

Because it’s best to wrap babies in non-breathable plastic.*

cellophane kitschy living

My favorite part about this is the ad copy towards the bottom.

“You see what you buy–no guesswork!”

So buying your baby can be virtually stress-free!

Oooh, I’ll skip the next line of copy; it’s my favorite.  Last line:

“…and things in Cellophane are clean and sanitary.”

Your wrapped baby will be no-fuss, no-muss!  Child-rearing for the germophobe set made easy!

OK, this is my favorite:

“Foods come fresh–stay fresh longer–less waste.”

Derp.  Really?  I can’t imagine how–even in the dark ages of the 1950s–it ever seemed socially acceptable to equate babies with food.  Without the cannibal allusion this ad would be retro and kitschy and kind of head-scratchingly weird thanks to the graphics but the food line elevates this to full-on WTFery.  Retro-style.

*not

(photo from Kitschy Living)

Baby Swing: The Other White Meat

I can’t even comprehend the years…and years…of therapy this poor kid’s gonna need.

Holy hog swing!

Holy hog swing!

Yes, I put a fake mask on the baby because I couldn’t bear seeing that little face staring at me out of the middle of a hog carcass.  For the original, go here.  Remember, kids: when nothing else will do, make a fresh carcass work for you.