Proposed Flash Mob!

I”m all lost in the supermarket,

I can no longer shop happily.

I came in here for a special offer;

a guaranteed personality.

(with eternal gratitude to The Clash)

This isn’t perhaps the weirdest WTF of all time, but it literally made me say WTF, and so…

The other day I was walking through Boscov’s, a chain of department stores in five states along the US Eastern seaboard (of which Pennsylvania is an honorary member, so take that, doubters!).  It’s a decent store that offers low-to-midrange price points on just about everything from shoes to clothes to toys to housewares to La-Z-Boys.  They have a charmingly cheesetastic “As Seen On TV!” section.  Normally it’s not a…well, it’s not a great place to shop (though I know my mother would disagree with me on this) but it’s not weird, like, oh, clearly this store was laid out by Cthulhu to terrify humanity into obedience.  It’s not confusing.  It is what it is.

So imagine me, the other day, walking into Boscov’s to kill a little time before the movie I was seeing at the mall megamultibajillionplex started.  I am a woman and absolutely fall into the consumer trappings of womanhood and so I made haste to the shoe department.  Smack in the middle of the aisle, at the confluence of shoes and handbags and clothing and purses and swimsuits, I saw…this…

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

And you know…

First of all, I’m pretty sure that’s a fire hazard.

Second, they HAVE a food department, so why the potato chips have migrated to the exact opposite end of the store is a mystery.

Third, there’s something inherently weird about sticking a huge potato chip display near the swimsuits.  Want that beach body, boys and girls?  Well…have some chips instead!  Once you feel guilty and panicked that you won’t be able to fit into your bathing suit this year, we’ll be happy to direct you to our exercise equipment.  May we interest you in a Shake Weight?  It’s been seen on TV.

Fourth, this reinforces my belief that potato chips, as much as I love their salty greasy goodness, aren’t really food at all.

So I propose: FLASH MOB!  Susquehanna Valley Mall, some time soon.  And we all just descend en masse upon Boscov’s and buy all the chips and walk around the store eating them, touching things with our greasy, crumby fingers.  It would be madness.

A friend suggested that said flash mob “…should buy chips, high heels, and bathing suits. Then put on the heels and swimsuits, stuff the bag of chips in the suit, and have a very crunchy and weird mosh pit.”

We could do that too.  The possibilities are wide open.

So, seriously, Boscov’s, WTF?

Today’s non-sequitur suggested WordPress tag is: Bethesda Terrace.  Bethesda Terrace is a structure/walkway that overlooks the lake New York City’s Central Park, and has nothing to do with anything I’ve talked about today.  Thanks, WordPress!

Stuffed Toys at the Children’s Exhibit

Once upon a time, there was a felt stuffed monster.

That monster wasn’t much to look at, and it certainly wasn’t scary. It was little more than a few pieces of purple material stitched together, with mismatched buttons for eyes and little fuzzy arms made to hug.

And little Timmy loved it.

And that monster had a secret.

It was a magical monster doll!

The conditions had to be just right for the doll’s magic to become known.  It had to be on the first day of spring or autumn, when the 24-hour span of the day is divided equally between daylight and the night.  And it had to be a dark moon, a night where the moon’s face is hidden and the sun’s light casts no hint of warmth on the world.  Then the veil between the worlds is thinnest.  Then the secret doors can open.

On just such a night, Timmy was fast asleep, his beloved stuffed monster curled up next to him.  As midnight approached the air in the room seemed to grow thick.  Timmy moaned slightly in his sleep, but did not awaken.  The time wasn’t right.  Not yet.

Midnight.

When the clock turned to midnight, Timmy’s eyes fluttered open. His favorite toy was sitting on his chest instead of curled up into his arm. And it…was…growing.  Not the body of the doll, that stayed the same size.  But a line appeared where no mouth had been before, and it grew, and then it opened.  Timmy, still groggy from sleep, wondered why he never ever noticed his monster had a fully developed set of teeth before.  The monster’s head kept growing, and the mouth kept stretching, wider, wider, as his favorite toy leaned closer to him.  He heard a voice emanate from deep within the doll, at once whispering and filling the room.  It said, “In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.”  Timmy screamed once before the monster’s cavernous mouth descended upon him and enveloped him in blackness.

By the time his parents ran to the room, Timmy was gone beyond the stars to the lost city of R’lyeh, to tend to the dead and sleeping Old Ones until they awaken and return to enslave the earth once more.  His monster, his doll, his friend, sat benign and inert, upended on his pillow.  Timmy’s mother picked it up forlornly and set it rightside up before leaving the room to call the police.

If it still had its mouth it would have smiled.

There were two more nights of the dark moon, and two more parents.

Making family reunions fun since before time began.

Making family reunions fun since before time began.

Sleep tight, children!

Today’s completely jacked suggested tag from WordPress?  Tim Horton’s.  That’s right, Tim Horton’s, the completely benign, welcoming, Canadian chain of doughnut shops.  Perhaps they’re trying to lull us into a false sense of security with coffee and confections before tearing apart the barriers between the worlds?  What are you up to, Tim Horton?  Besides, of course, providing delicious cakey goodness and caffeine to the masses?

Photo provided to MoWTF by friend of the museum Michael C., though I have no idea where in the hell he got it from.