Proposed Flash Mob!

I”m all lost in the supermarket,

I can no longer shop happily.

I came in here for a special offer;

a guaranteed personality.

(with eternal gratitude to The Clash)

This isn’t perhaps the weirdest WTF of all time, but it literally made me say WTF, and so…

The other day I was walking through Boscov’s, a chain of department stores in five states along the US Eastern seaboard (of which Pennsylvania is an honorary member, so take that, doubters!).  It’s a decent store that offers low-to-midrange price points on just about everything from shoes to clothes to toys to housewares to La-Z-Boys.  They have a charmingly cheesetastic “As Seen On TV!” section.  Normally it’s not a…well, it’s not a great place to shop (though I know my mother would disagree with me on this) but it’s not weird, like, oh, clearly this store was laid out by Cthulhu to terrify humanity into obedience.  It’s not confusing.  It is what it is.

So imagine me, the other day, walking into Boscov’s to kill a little time before the movie I was seeing at the mall megamultibajillionplex started.  I am a woman and absolutely fall into the consumer trappings of womanhood and so I made haste to the shoe department.  Smack in the middle of the aisle, at the confluence of shoes and handbags and clothing and purses and swimsuits, I saw…this…

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

And you know…

First of all, I’m pretty sure that’s a fire hazard.

Second, they HAVE a food department, so why the potato chips have migrated to the exact opposite end of the store is a mystery.

Third, there’s something inherently weird about sticking a huge potato chip display near the swimsuits.  Want that beach body, boys and girls?  Well…have some chips instead!  Once you feel guilty and panicked that you won’t be able to fit into your bathing suit this year, we’ll be happy to direct you to our exercise equipment.  May we interest you in a Shake Weight?  It’s been seen on TV.

Fourth, this reinforces my belief that potato chips, as much as I love their salty greasy goodness, aren’t really food at all.

So I propose: FLASH MOB!  Susquehanna Valley Mall, some time soon.  And we all just descend en masse upon Boscov’s and buy all the chips and walk around the store eating them, touching things with our greasy, crumby fingers.  It would be madness.

A friend suggested that said flash mob “…should buy chips, high heels, and bathing suits. Then put on the heels and swimsuits, stuff the bag of chips in the suit, and have a very crunchy and weird mosh pit.”

We could do that too.  The possibilities are wide open.

So, seriously, Boscov’s, WTF?

Today’s non-sequitur suggested WordPress tag is: Bethesda Terrace.  Bethesda Terrace is a structure/walkway that overlooks the lake New York City’s Central Park, and has nothing to do with anything I’ve talked about today.  Thanks, WordPress!

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Now Available at the WTF Gift Shoppe and WTF-o-Rama!

Sweet, sweet, the memories you gave-a me.

You can’t beat the memories you gave-a me.

(With heartfelt thanks to the legendary Dean Martin)

Dogs are man’s best friend.

When you have a trusted pet, you want that pet by your side at all times.  A source of comfort, of joy, and unconditional love, a beloved dog never lets you down or talks back, and always wants to bestow a good face lick or two.

Awwww, Fluffy!

Awwww, Fluffy!

Unfortunately, even dogs are mortal, and even the most beloved pet eventually has to make his way into the Great Beyond.  When you find yourself sad and alone, despondent over the loss of your friend, never fear!  We at the MoWTF Gift Shoppe can help you!

Just bring us the scrotum of the dearly departed and our MoWTF taxidermists will turn his junk into a beautiful set of nuggetized testicle earrings, just for you!  For an additional fee they may be set into a necklace or ring.  Even though Fluffy may have shuffled off his mortal coil, he can still be your trusted companion at work or cocktail parties!

Memories are made of this.

Memories are made of this.

Non-sequitur recommended tag: Great Comet.  As I am not sure which comet they’re assigning the definition “great” I’m going to assume they mean the Great Comet of 1680, which was the first comet discovered by telescope.  Thanks, WordPress!  How weird of you.

Image found on imgur.

~XOT

The Miracle of Flight

Come fly with me, let’s float down to Peru
In llama land there’s a one-man band
And he’ll toot his flute for you
Come on fly with me, let’s take off in the blue

(With eternal thanks to Frank Sinatra)

See,the thing is, the world is a pretty weird place on its own, and you can see this within moments when you stop to take a look at things.  WTFery doesn’t necessarily have to arise because something has been manipulated (painted, taxidermied, whatever).  Sometimes, it just happens.  Organically.  Even better, occasionally someone is there with a camera and manages to snap a picture more expressive than any words.  And we, the lucky ones, can take some time to sit back and contemplate nature’s boundless wonder.

Like this, for example.

A flying squirrel, trying out for the Martha Graham Dance Company.

A flying squirrel, trying out for the Martha Graham Dance Company.

That is a photograph, people, of the noble flying squirrel.  Not an artist’s misrepresentation.  Not an arranged taxidermy.  A photograph.  Yeah.  Crazy-ass animal kingdom.

Imagine seeing this hurtling toward your head in the woods at night.  I’m willing to bet the camera was in the right position because the photographer was swinging it by its strap in self-defense.  It goes off, everyone’s happy.  Because seriously.  WTF?

So to make us all feel better, here’s a little Frank Sinatra, Come Fly With Me, live.  Before the travesty of auto-tune.

And: today’s completely jacked suggested tag from WordPress: Mil Mi-8.  Which is apparently a troop transport helicopter-slash-gunship.  Why do you suggest these things to me, WordPress?  I don’t see a single rotor making that squirrel float.  But now I’ve mentioned it so I can tag it, all because you suggested it, WordPress.  I hope you’re pleased with yourself.

Happy WTFing!  Don’t forget your camera.

~XOT

Photo from wilderness.org

En Garde!

There are times when you have to wonder what, exactly, gave rise to the creative genius behind certain works of art.  Take this, for example.

mole1

I came not to send peace, but a sword. –Matthew 10:34

I mean…it’s not as though you go out and hunt moles for sport.  So the proud owner of this li’l beauty was opportunistic in his or her mole-gathering (though I suppose the same can be said for something like squirrel taxidermy).

Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.  --Matthew 26:52

…’tis enough,’twill serve. Ask for me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man. –Mercutio, “Romeo and Juliet”

And they have even managed to evoke a look of agony on the face of the losing mole as a hole is poked in his too, too mortal flesh.

Lieutenant, is that your sword, or are you just glad to see me?  --Mae West

Lieutenant, is that your sword, or are you just glad to see me? –Mae West

And now we come to it: seriously, WTF?  How do you stand there with two mole carcasses and say, “Call me crazy, but I have a plan…”?  Whoever you are, taxidermy visionary and genius, we salute you for your contribution to the beautiful WTFery of this world.  Carry on!  Huzzah!

(pictures from imgur)

~XOT